Things from the end of the internet

Not alone, these days
Friday December 31st 2021, 17:44
Filed under: Retrospectives

A new hope for new cycle.

While I don’t feel so afraid
Maybe this is just some kind of phase
But I don’t care about the wind in my face
‘Cause I’m not alone, these days
No, I’m not alone, these days, yes
I’m not alone, these days
No, I’m not alone, these days, yes

Bernard Butler, Not Alone

2021 was a hell of the year. While majority of people believe that 2020 was significantly worse, it was a good year. For me, for lads from Somnol too. It was sort of magical time and year ago I thought things would get better and maybe insanity around us will end.

Was truly wrong about this thing for sure. Instead of unity, we got division over most petty things. People drag others to various sorts of misery, since they can’t just do this alone. Misery loves companion, it can’t feed on it’s own. Needs someone other to be part of it too. This thing did really left a mark not only for me, but all of my surroundings. Dragged people down in real life, started a misery loop online too. It led to huge disagreements and strained relations and people falling apart with themselves. We lost momentum, for sure.

2021 had some significant events for me in real life too, which also might be cause of all of this negativity. Being stuck at home for 3rd year already (I include 2019 teacher’s strike in my country too here) was tiring, even if in 2020 I found great friends which turned out to be real ones which I truly appreciate. With having to rush my final exams preparations, especially in format which basically killed my attention span for a good while, it contributed a lot to my anxiety about how things will end.

In fact, a slow start of this year was another factor that I do believe ended me being in love with my misery instead of actually being productive. Sure, I was able to redesign my site and enjoy this a lot but after that I lost momentum. Didn’t finish an art piece since November of last year. Did some random unpolished graphics which kinda were medicore in most cases, sometimes it just was a chore to artificially fill this space. Same case with photos and digital camera hoarding, a bad habits coming back with double force.

Being down, drifting away from my friends made me poke at things that make me angry, check on people I shouldn’t care at this point since these past events should be past in the end. Old wounds bleed again.

Made myself miserable and made others suffer in the end.

I somewhat believe that actually end of the year is that magical time of change, one cycle is ending and new one starts.

Things started to creep back again. Slow changes which were taking a place over a while become more visible – started to get comfortable, even I dusted off some ideas which after a while started to be fun and in some cases, shows how I distanced myself from some things just to get more at ease.

Positivity came back to me, though I still need to get entirely comfortable and downs are perfectly normal, sometimes I might poke but I still need to control myself. Started talking with people again, people talk to me again. It does feel nice, really.

After two incredibly divisive years, I just want to be together with people again. I got on better means with my family in recent months which is one of definitive factors of change, it just made me happy again to be in peace with people closest to me.

After all, I’m talking again with Somnolians again and just leaving the group made me to do better instead of complaining and ending overspending my money. Everyone noticed that we were togehter in this frustration, fact you aren’t alone and it makes other people drag themselves down too geniuely was the thing that allowed us to move on.

Honestly I feel at the end of 2021 in some way like I believe people felt at the end of 2001. A time of uncertanity and for some future felt really bleak. But in the end there’s still a glimmer of hope, which will help us to move on, be united and more resilent. It was a very similar time, though people love to be nostalgic for turn of the millennium. Guess these were simpler times, even if situation was shitty you were able to shut this down entirely. That’s the thing, just limiting time online. I still thing old approach of limiting your time online and making this time you’re on a very special one indeed.

For next year I don’t plan much, except just trying to be less messy. No obligations, no promises yet. Just doing things what I feel I want to do. Everything will come on it’s own. No need to rush it. Only thing that’s sure and I want to plan is actually practicing art fundamentals regularly to improve and be able to draw things I want, but I don’t want to make it a chore too. I think also more finished pieces will be a huge part of this too, since they allow me to see what still needs now. Just draw what you want, improve things you noticed aren’t good.

I wish you happy New Year lads. Hope will bring us together and allow us to survive for sure.

And finally I’m not alone, these days.

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